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Go to The Coolest Men on Earth Page: 1 2 3

The Coolest Men on Earth

2001-11-09: Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken is the coolest man alive. Walken is known for playing the "heavy" role as he did in movies like The Prophecy, True Romance, Suicide Kings, and Sleepy Hollow. What a lot of people don't quite get about Walken, though, is that he is one of the greatest comic minds of our time. He has the amazing ability to remain completely deadpan while saying and doing the most absurd things. This delivery is the key to his genius. Leslie Neilson also has a style like this, but he does more slapstick style humor, while Walken does really bizarre humor.

His performances on Saturday Night Live have got to be some of the funniest moments in history. The centaur sketch, the census sketch, the champagne sketch, and on and on. His monologue in Pulp Fiction was a work of genius, his performance in the Prophecy was superb, his role in True Romance was funnycreepy...

And the Fatboy Slim video is, of course, one of the best videos ever made. And to quote my good friend Tony "You don't fuck with Christopher Walken."

Click here to hear the census sketch.

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2001-11-08: Sean Connery

Any man that can reach 900 years old and remain a sex symbol has earned a spot on this list. The only other person his age I can think of is Yoda, and we see what he looks like...although Yoda isn't human, so for all we know that's what Yoda looked like 5 minutes after birth.

Michael Douglas, of course, is still something of a sex symbol at 140 years old, but he has over 700 years to catch up with Connery, and I don't think he's going to hold out so well. Sure, he's got the Zeta-Jones fountain of youth kickin' but I just don't think it's enough.

Daryl Hammond's Sean Connery impression on SNL's Celebrity Jeapordy is so awesome that I've actually merged the caricature into my mental impression of Connery himself. "Buckfutter!" he screams in my mind. "I'll take the Penis Mightier for 400".

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2002-01-25: Charlton Heston (Old Skool)

"What are ya, some kind of mutant ape?"

I can't decide which is cooler, the onscreen Heston or the offscreen. Heston has balls. Not only did he fight an entire planet full of rabid apes, but he's willing to go toe to toe vs. all of Hollywood and the media to fight for gun rights.

You may remember that the subtext of Planet of the Apes was in fact gun control. This was no accident. The apes represented the liberal media, and Heston represented the NRA. So you see? If we let them take away our guns they'll remove the speech centers of our brains, make us wear sexy caveman outfits, and lock us in cages. Do YOU want to serve a damn ape while you're wearing a Flintstone jock strap? Me either. Support gun rights.

If you're a liberal, (first I just have to applaud you for getting to this paragraph before sending me hate mail) you are probably not too keen on Heston or gun rights. But this is America. Having balls and standing up for what you believe in is what it's all about. Heston is regularly ridiculed by the media. Even friggin' Jim Carrey, who worships Heston the actor, ridicules Heston as insane for his NRA support.

Marky Mark's half assed Planet of the Apes, or as I like to call it "Planet of the Stupid Ass Ending", was a pale reflection of the Heston version. Had Helena Bonham Carter shown her monkeybreasts it may have compared, but she didn't and so it sucked.

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2001-11-06: Crispin Glover

Now, Crispin Glover might not strike you as particularly cool. In fact, you may not have any idea who he is. His most memorable role is as George McFly (Marty's father) in Back to the Future.

Crispin is quite different than the rest of the guys on this list. I guess you could consider him the wildcard pick. He's cool because he is completely and totally insane. I like him more for his off-screen craziness than what he does in movies. This man is sincerely warped. I have seen several interviews with him on David Letterman etc. and in all of those interviews I cannot remember him making one statement that made the slightest sense. He would ramble about literally nothing regardless of what he was asked. It is surreal to see someone do this on national TV and continue to land roles in major movies..

He really shines in Charlie's Angels where he plays one of the best villains in any movie in history. The scene where he grabs a handful of Lucy Liu's hair and laughs maniacally captures his personality perfectly. Another good example is "Cousin Dell" in Wild at Heart. It's a brief part, but I'd swear that David Lynch didn't give him a script and just said "Be Yourself".

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2001-11-05: Al Pacino

Hoo-Hah!

I must say Hoo-Hah 5 times a day. Pacino has been in some pretty big time movies. The Godfathers, Scent of a Woman, Devil's Advocate, Serpico et al.

As far as I know, no one ever uttered the phrase "An Offer He Couldn't Refuse" before Al Pacino. That alone warrants a place in the coolest men on earth list.

John Travolta is pretty damn cool. And even he didn't make the list due to the evils of scientology. And as cool as he is he sat there in Saturday Night Fever wishing he was Al Pacino. If someone as cool as Travolta wishes he was Pacino, well then Pacino must be pretty damn cool.

I just remembered...or more accurately was reminded by imdb. He was friggin Scarface. Scarface taught me pretty much everything I needed to know about life: You need to have balls.

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Go to The Coolest Men on Earth Page: 1 2 3