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Go to My Weight Loss Program Page: 1 2 3 4 5
NOTE: I have learned a lot about fitness in the past several years, and a lot of what I did was trial and error. Be sure you read the whole thing before you embark upon your road to swoll. |
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Step One: Read Austin's Guide to Swoll. Besides being funny, Austin's guide to swoll is funny. And it reminds you that people are repulsed by fat. Probably the most important part of losing weight is remembering just how much other people are disgusted by your fat gluttony. A note. Remember, I was 265 pounds when I started. And it took a friend making fun of me in front of a room full of people before I realized just how fat I had gotten. He feels guilty, but he shouldn't. He very well may have saved my life. The tone of this guide is very insulting towards fat people. My purpose IS to insult. It IS to hurt. Because that is what it took for me to get up off of my ass and do something about my fatness. Gentle suggestions can be ignored. Hints and soft support bounce off of fat. Only humiliation at the realization of what you have become can save you. And for this reason I must say: If you are fat everyone is laughing at you. Some people are completely insane. Some people have drug problems. Others, while intelligent, are stuck in crappy jobs. Some are literally thowing their lives away. But you know what? When I was fat, I was the loser. You can be a junkie that mops floors for a living, but you'll still have the upper hand over those that are fat. You cannot tell just by looking that someone snorts coke and works at Wendy's. You can, however, spot a fatty a mile away. Being fat puts you in the lowest rung of the American caste system. It's unfair, I know. But it is the reality of the world in which we live. You must play ball. So remember: I'm giving you tough love, fatty. To be continued... Permalink to this post. |
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Eat a reasonable lunch. Which means you can have pretty much what you like, so long as it isn't a hamburger, anything fried, the Monte Christo sandwich at Bennigan's, mayonnaise, or any of that fattening stuff. Eat a damn Ceasar Salad and some soup pigboy! Oh yeah, and no booze. Not even a beer. For dinner eat another bowl of bran cereal. Now you see what you've done here? You've put the normal meal between two loads of fiber. That fiber acts like wadding in a shotgun shell and shoots that stuff out of you faster than you can say "I used to be fat!" Don't eat or drink ANY processed sugar. Especially Cokes. None. Nada. At all. Well, unless there's some in your bran cereal. Any time you think about breaking your diet...just remember how much your friends make fun of you about being fat. And if your friends won't make fun of you to your face, trust me, they're making fun of you when you're not around. I shudder to guess how many times someone said "John is Angry because he's so goddamned FAT!" behind my back. UPDATE! I swapped out my Cheerio dinner for Myoplex brand, Cookies and Cream flavored, Low Carb protein bars. This and the ECA Stack (see later) really made a huge difference in my rate of loss. Permalink to this post. |
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1) Either run for 15 minutes or ride a bike for 15 minutes. I alternate daily. One day running, one day on the bike. I purchased a treadmill and exercise bike for this purpose. Spending a lot of money on losing weight helps guilt you into exercise. 2) Get the Abs of Steel video and do the last 20 minutes of it. The first 10 minutes are stupid warmups, and you just ran for 15 minutes for God's sake! The last 20 minutes are all crunches and good hardcore stuff. One note of warning: try not to actually look at the women in the video. Just as eating causes blood to move to your stomach resulting in leg cramps, looking at the hotties in the video causes a blood rush to the genitals, causing cramps and general fatigue. 3) 5 sets of 10 bench presses of 140 pounds. Adjust weight to your swoll level. 4) 5 sets of 10 dumbbell curls of 25 pounds in each arm. I do both arms at the same time. Adjust weight to your swoll level. That's it! Try to do all of that in about an hour. These commercials that tell you it only takes 7 minutes a day are lying. They know you're lazy because after all, you're fat. But see through their fat subterfuge and be a man (even if you're a woman). Work out for an hour a day. Permalink to this post. |
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My drugs of choice are referred to as the "ECA Stack". This is essentially a mix of Ephedrine, Caffeine, and Aspirin. There are many many products that contain the first two of these. They are easily attainable at GNC, Smoothie King, or any other health food store. Your supplement may call caffeine "guarana", and the Ephedrine may be called "Ma Huang" but it all boils down to one thing: SPEED. You can get a lot of information about the "Stack" at this link, including a list of brand names to look for. Honestly this stuff is magic. I didn't start taking it until I had already lost a lot of weight, and I wish I had started earlier. I practically doubled my rate of loss from 10 pounds a month to a whopping 15-20 pounds a month. Remember: don't take this as your cue to start doing acid and horse tranquilizers. Remember, Lizard King, we're trying to lose weight here, not write poetry. This weight loss plan should shed at least 10 pounds a month. Given this you'll only be taking the speed for a few months. Don't do it any longer or your heart might explode. If you are over 40, under 18, or have heart problems you should probably skip the speed and accept a slower weight loss. At any rate, you'd better be working out or you're messing up your heart for nothing. My philosophy on it is this...Being fat for the better part of the last 5 years was harder on my heart than a few months of speed. Think about it. Update: Ephedrine has been banned as an over the counter supplement. Sorry, kids. Just another example of our government trying to babysit us. Update AGAIN: Ephedrine has been un-banned as an over the counter supplement as of April 2005. Woohoo! Permalink to this post. |
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Tip one: No excuses. Things are going to come up. Things are going to happen that make it difficult to work out for the full hour. But too bad! You have to remember, working out isn't something you want to do. It is something you have to do. It's Christmas you say? Well, fa la friggin la and keep running fatass. You say your life is too busy and you don't have time to work out? Hey, I bet you never miss an episode of Friends (or something equally worthless). If you have time to melt your brain, you have time to run. Tip two: No excuses. If all of your friends are going out to drink this Tuesday, get a diet coke. Drinking is part of how you got fat in the first place, remember? Tip three: No excuses. If you're hung over on Sunday morning, then you run the 15 minutes with your head swimming and your stomach churning. Tip four: No excuses. Yes, you ARE fat. I don't care if your mom says you have a big frame. Fat people have all kinds of excuses for being fat. My personal excuse was that I was a "big guy". I'd look at the weight charts that said I was morbidly obese and sneer. "Those charts are for little girly men," I'd say. No, those charts are for people who aren't a disgusting tub of lard! Maybe there's a little room for error. Maybe you're from big stock and you're 10 pounds over the optimum. Hell, maybe you're 10 or 15 pounds over the optimum. But listen to me...if the chart says you should be 180, and you're 265...you're fat. Tip five: Cultivate your inner voice. This is very important. You want a voice in your head that is so persistant that you'd swear it is a separate person. You want this voice to constantly remind you of how fat you are. You want this voice to be particularly loud when you are exercising. This helps you push yourself beyond your limits. Here is an example of what my inner voice says while I'm running: "Hey fatass! You know that no one wants to have sex with you, right? Are you getting tired fatty? Too tired cuz yer fat? You want to stay fat forever? Oh, you want to quit because your fat heart is about to burst? HAHA! Everyone laughs at you!" And so the picture of Tyler Durden on my wall serves two purposes. 1) It shows me what I have to get my body to look like before I can stop thinking I'm fat. 2) It reminds me to cultivate my own personal destructive alter ego. Cultivate your inner voice, and you too will no longer be fat. Permalink to this post. |
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