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Go to Gods of F*!@ING Rock! Page: 1 2

Gods of F*!@ING Rock!

Rock the House

2002-02-12: PJ Harvey

Number One Rock God: PJ Harvey

In advance, I would like to tell all of you hecklers to make your own damn website with your own damn Gods of Rock list.

PJ Harvey has enormous balls. She is THE gutsiest, ballsiest, rockingest, emotional rocker out there. She is the only person that will just emit a gutteral primal scream when she wants to. She makes noises with her throat that were previously only theoretically possible.

And I like what she sings about men. She sings about men the way that I think about women. It gives me hope that there are at least SOME women that are honest with themselves about what they are and what they want. Cases in point:

"I want to bathe in milk. Eat grapes. Robert Deniro sit on my face"

Poetry.

"I said I need a man. To make me moan. To make me beg."

She rocks...Sooooo hard.

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2002-02-10: Aerosmith

Aerosmith was the first band I ever really got into. Joe Perry and John Frusciante tie for my favorite rock guitar player of all time. The first time I saw Aerosmith was when their Dude Looks Like a Lady video came out. I saw it at like 2am and I thought I had found some underground band, because no one I knew listened to Aerosmith.

Needless to say, they weren't exactly an underground band. Like Queen, they have a million hit songs. Of course, their old stuff kicks the crap out of their new stuff. The funny thing is that the Aerosmith song they're using in that Ford commercial is probably the best thing I've heard them play in 6 years.

My mom bought their greatest hits album for Christmas, and I have rediscovered just how amazing their old stuff is. Joe Perry just doesn't get the credit he deserves. And their old songs were just so damn funky! I can't decide whether they make me want to rock out or have sex with the nearest leg. When Liv Tyler is in the video it is certainly the latter.

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2002-02-08: Elvis

He's the king. Of course I couldn't compile this list without the KING! Contrary to popular opinion, the King died a few hours following this photo of his '68 comeback. He dressed up in leather, rocked out like the king is apt to do, and then died of a massive heart attack.

The Vegas Elvis was an imposter. I mean, come on, look at how many Elvis impersonators there are in Vegas! Of course that's why "Elvis" spent the next 10 years there! They needed a steady supply of imposters. Of course when one of them threatened to talk they'd bury him in the desert and get a new one to replace him. What better place than Vegas?

When I Karaoke all I sing are Elvis songs. When I sing in the shower it's usually Elvis. When I sing to a girl, it's usually an Elvis song. Fun Fact: I am going to emulate Sailor Ripley from Wild at Heart when I propose marriage. I am going to sing Love Me Tender on top of a car.

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2002-02-06: Beastie Boys

The Beastie Boys make me happy. Moreso than any other band they put me in a good mood. And when you're me this makes them quite important. I am prone to day long bouts of introspective bad moods. I just sit and ponder the shittiness of the world.

And then I put on Hey Ladies and I remember that I should get off of my ass and be happy.

I can't think of any other performer that can spout inane shit that means so much to me. Example:

"Beastie-Beastie-Beastie-Boys"

That's it. That line puts a smile on my face. Because I KNOW what he means. I know what he's feeling when he says "I'm the A-D-R-O-C-K, in the place with the bass we're going all the way". That means more to me than Jewel's goddamn feaux deep lyrics.

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2002-02-04: Queen

Freddy Mercury has the best pipes in rock history, and Brian May has the best guitar tone in rock history. (Followed closely by Joe Perry and Slash). Freddy Mercury is the only true virtuoso vocalist I think rock has ever produced. And don't you dare mention Queensryche. Chris Cornell is number two, but honestly he is a distant second.

They really did have great range in their songwriting. Actually enumerating all of their hits is extremely difficult. They really had a bunch. Crazy Little Thing Called Love sounds so much like Elvis that some people will swear that Elvis actually sung it (No he didn't). Bohemian Rhapsody is just nuts. And of course We Will Rock You and We are the Champions are the ultimate ass kicking ready to rumble anthems in history.

And Freddie Mercury was gay. I don't know why, but for some reason this makes Fat Bottomed Girls rock more. Fat Bottomed Girls is almost hyper-heterosexual. It's sort of like if I were going to write a song about being gay, I'd probably make it super amazingly gay. In the same way, his songs about women are testosterone packed.

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