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Go to John's Guide to Being a Metrosexual Page: 1 2
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I am writing this guide with men in mind, so I am going to give a man's answer. You care because women care. First things first. There are some fundamentals. There are base level things you must do before worrying about the details. Anyone can wear nice clothes to make up for other things, but that is not what this guide is about. It is about having style, inside and out. Several of my female friends have noted (and I have caught them talking on this subject amongst themselves when they think I can't hear them) that much more happened after I lost weight. My attitude changed, my clothes changed. I actually went through a metamorphosis. So, those first things. Don't be fat. If you are fat, become un-fat. You can do it. Read my weight loss guide. Don't read another word of this until you are done, fatty. At this point you are either back from losing weight, or you were never fat. Let us continue. Look at your teeth. Are they crooked? If they are, save up a couple G notes and go to an orthodontist. Are they crusty and sport any colors other than white? Go to the dentist. Women like good teeth. Bad teeth and fat are the two things that will immediately put you on the Loser List. If you don't have enough money to do these things then it's a good time to consider why. How old are you? Why don't you have enough money to fix your teeth? Solve that problem, you snaggly bastard. At this point you should be reasonably thin with decent teeth. You may have even gotten a better job to fix your teeth. Good for you! You are ready for John's Guide to Style. My philosophy can be summed up in one word: Simple. Subtle. OK, that was two words. To be continued... Permalink to this post. |
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Some guys can get away with stubble, but there is a fine line between cool stubble and just nasty looking. Personally, I have thick black sandpaper hair, so I really can't pull off the stubble look without peeling the skin off of a girl's face. However, even right after I shave you can see a bit of a shadow, and one of my friends actually mentioned that he thought my "stubble look" was cool when I was in fact clean shaven. To be on the safe side, avoid stubble. We're going for odds here. Goatees are pretty "in" these days, and my suggestion would be to only sport a goatee if it naturally grows in a decent pattern. Don't wear a goatee if you have to manually shave a path in it to show skin. Does your goatee go with your overall look, or are you just a goon with a goatee? These are important questions. Also: thick heavy goatees are quite popular in the scary leather gay community. Be forewarned. Mustaches...Unless you are a cop or are Salvador Dali, don't wear a mustache. I prefer sideburns, but they are optional. If you wear them, avoid pork chops. In conclusion, your options are either clean shaven or styled goatee. If you go for the goatee be forewarned that you are narrowing your appeal. Remember: Simple. Permalink to this post. |
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I, however, am a hairy man-beast. I am repellant. Really. No joke, once a week I spend over an hour dealing with my body hair. Most men are somewhere in between. For the average man, the following guidelines apply: External Ass: use clippers and clip it. Don't shave your ass, because it can be very uncomfortable while growing back. Regular hair clippers get it to just the right length to be relatively invisible, while still long enough not to cause discomfort. Back: Some chicks dig a hairy chest. NO chicks dig a hairy back. If you have even one hair on your back shave it to the skin. Luckily I have very limber arms, and I can get every spot on my back. Unibrow: Shave the middle. Nose: Remember: most girls are shorter than you are. They can see up your nose. Use one of those new lipstick-shaped hair trimmers to avoid the walrus look. Groin: Use #1 clippers on your pubes. Girls don't like to floss either. Shave your scrotum, perineum, and any hair you may have on your penis itself. And depending on the lushness of your jungle and your recreational habits you may want to seriously consider shaving the old tailpipe. OK, that's what most guys have to worry about. If your chest hair isn't out of control, don't worry about it. Us hairy beasts have other considerations. I use #1 clippers on my entire body. Chest, arms, and legs. I have had a couple of girls make jokes about it and say that I'm like a girl with my preening, but then I show them a picture of my body before I started trimming. It is unanimous: keep using the #1 clippers. Permalink to this post. |
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You should shower when you wake up, and once in the evening. You should wash your hair once a day. If you are prone to dandruff, use Nutragena T-Gel. It rocks. You should brush your teeth twice a day. Floss your teeth every day. Yes, you heard me. I don't care if it hurts. It hurts because you have inflamed weak ass gums. Floss every day. Use glide floss, and after a few days it doesn't hurt at all. The effect of flossing on your breath is real. Trust me, nobody likes funky breath. Several years ago a friend of mine was sleeping over (this was high school era) and he was lamenting his bad luck with women. I pretended to listen patiently and fantasized about my girlfriend while he talked. Some time later he says, "You know something, I haven't brushed my teeth in over two years." I told him that was probably a large part of his problem with women. "No, I don't think that's it," he said. Good oral hygiene will not guarantee you a date with a supermodel, but yellow teeth, inflamed gums, and shitty breath will guarantee a restraining order. Permalink to this post. |
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My personal preference is to stay away from trendy haircuts. Right now that would mean the whole "spiky frosted goop head" look. Sure, this may work great around girls dressed like Britney Spears with their stringy highlighted hair, but it doesn't "meld" into different situations well. I am not a hairstyle expert, so this is going to be brief, but there is 1 unassailable rule: If you are losing your hair lop it the hell off. Nothing is more comical than a comb-over. Nothing so pathetic as a balding guy with a ponytail. It is for this reason that I use #3 clippers on my entire head. I am nowhere near bald, but my hairline has receded enough. I promised myself years ago that I would buzz it at the first sign of trouble. Well, trouble is on the horizen. Don't be That Guy With A Combover. Don't do it. Permalink to this post. |
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