Time weighs in a lot of ways.
But the currently cruelest is this: The pages of all of my favorite books are turning brown.
Once upon a time I walked past the bar that would one day be that Matador that would one day be two blocks from the house the I would own.
I stood, sullen, stoic, and alone. I hated everything -- or so I thought. As I stood on this corner of Decatur and Esplanade I realized that I loved all of it. I loved the city. I loved the movement of people back and forth. I just loved...Everything. Being there in that moment. That is why I chose to drive my car there every weekend and just walk. And this is before I ever had a drink. It's hard to remember my mind at that time.
Fast-forward about 20 years. Most people who interact with me (at work) see a hard-assed gruff. Early at my current job I had the same thoughts as above. Everything is bullshit. Everything is bad.
Then my boss said something to me that has stuck with me: "On your exterior you are negative, but you are an intensely positive guy."
And I am.
I was in this town and being shown around.
There was a flish there was a flash, it happened so fast.
My brother was goading me into going somewhere. I don't remember where. So I went. I got lost in the county fair. I couldn't find anyone, not even myself. I found myself in a car, circling around the slow town.
"Can you believe," the guy said, "that this town is asleep all the time," I looked around, "and now you can barely spit without hitting a car."
Just then I was with a childhood friend ordering food. He had gained a few pounds. I was still full of anxiety about the weight I'm working on.
"Hey," he said. In that "hey" way.
"Hey, do you want a Pizza Fritter?"
I was in a panic. A Pizza Fritter sounded horrible. Why would I ever eat a Pizza Fritter? Why, after all of the work I have done, would I ever eat a Pizza Fritter?
"Sure," I said.
Immediately afterwords he lay crying on the floor.
"Pizza Fritters, Pizza Fritters," he cried.
Man, I wish hadn't eaten them Pizza Fritters.
I was in the quarter and wasn't sure where I was going. I was going towards Canal, that's for sure.
Dave and Mallory passed me, Gwen and Brian. I stopped walking, and I stood on the tips of my toes and just slid. I slid around.
I haven't been out with these people in over 10 years. Would they notice? Why are they all still young? I saw this girl and that.
They walked into a video game parlor. Of course there were drinks. Mallory told a joke so salty you can't type it on the Internet in 2023.
And I was at Checkpoints. Timothy was there. I was eating Cajun Burgers.
I found my way back to my hotel. Again, it had no walls. I was forced to sleep in a room with no walls. On a boat.
So I am going to quote me: Time is beginning to weigh in a way I didn't foresee. As time passes, old grudges, once thick as molasses, are now whipped cream. Old anger turns to affection. As time puts its boot into our face, we are left with one thought: We are here together.
It's astounding to me how much I have run from hurting my ego. In the rear-view mirror it's easier to see. Now I can still see it in slow motion, but I am trying to behave in a way that does not massage my ego but it's like Neo dodging bullets backwards.
My ego is fast and mean. Today, again, I am grateful for Street Fighter for showing me the unvarnished truth.
So apparently I wired up auth on this sucker at some point. I can't remember my password.
So whither I, you ask yourself.
I'm glad you asked.
I find myself older. Previously, my site was a way to have my voice heard. At a time when having your voice heard was unusual. But the world has changed. Now, everyone's voice is heard. And because of this I thought that I should be heard less.
And now. The world has gone upside-down twice. Do you feel it? I know you do. In today's climate I barely have the courage to type two words. The world will strike you down for your slightest faults. Your weakest moments.
But I'm tired of that. I'd like to go back to the fun times of saying what's on my mind, drinking a beer, and sharing time with my fools.
OK, Quaids. Here it goes. My deepest, darkest thoughts. This time I really mean it. Here it goes: I think Christina Hendricks is smoking assed hot.
If Tracey were a bee. She would sting and hurt, never flirt But she'd be good company